2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
