God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
