i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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