1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
