Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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