When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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