I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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