it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My vagina is officially offended.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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