I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
