we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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