I think i peed on brittanys purse
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
