So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
