Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
