Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
