Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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