You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
