every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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