you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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