I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
