Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
