Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
