We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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