Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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