Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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