Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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