My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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