Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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