Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
