Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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