i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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