He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
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