Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
