omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
