conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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