I think I died a long time ago.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
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