So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
