you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
