My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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