the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
