tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
