I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
