I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
