Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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