i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
