All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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