so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
