Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
