I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
