i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
