I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
