i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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