I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
