My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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