I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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