So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I am naked and annoyed.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
