I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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