i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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