i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
