So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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