Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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