forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
